Why Can't I Be Comcast?

When I was growing up I wanted to be an astronaut. Then I thought I might like being a journalist. I explored the possibility of artist, archeologist, beautician, lounge singer, Marine and theatrical director as I searched for that perfect thing that I should “be.”

Those were the fantastical aspirations of youth. Now, so many years later, I have realized my one true calling...I want to be Comcast.

I dream of having a bevy of high priced lawyers at my beck and call that can swoop into small towns at the drop of a hat and intimidate the locals. I want to develop the skill to talk out of both sides of my mouth with ease and grace. I long to host a national political convention just to remind the doubters which side their bread is buttered on. But more than anything else, I want freebies!

I want to have an ex-mayor now governor in my hip pocket so that when the going gets tough I can get over fifty million dollars in public subsidies and tax breaks to build a 57 story skyscraper tribute to myself in downtown Philly. But you can bet I won’t be a piggy about it, I’ll actually create 600 jobs. And everyone will be happy because those jobs only cost the Pennsylvania taxpayers ninety thousand dollars a piece to create!

Of course it won’t be a cake-walk being Comcast. Mayor John Street of Philadelphia has already warned that critics are “less than appropriately grateful,” for all I plan to do. I will need to remind the citizens what “appropriately grateful” looks like every month when I send them their bill.

So along with the glory, the muscle and gargantuan proportions of my being Comcast, there will be a frustration here and there. But I am confident, in my new life as Comcast, there won't be a challenge that a little back-slapping can’t resolve.