CHANNEL LINGUISTS

The study of language fascinates me. There are so many parts. The actual language itself or languages themselves. The socialization of language. How language metamorphoses over time, geographical areas, trends or necessity. The physical characteristics of language. How does the human palate form words working in concert with the tongue and the lips? How is language is learned, by demonstration, experience or happenstance? I mean why does a child say “Momma” or “Daddy” and not “Hot Dog?” at ten or twelve months? Are we to believe that Baby loves us more than Hot Dogs or do we just drill Momma and Daddy so relentlessly the kid never has a chance to express their primary desires linguistically ever?

A friend of mine who is studying Mandarin told me that there are no conjugations in that language. I got really upset. See, I can speak Spanish but only in the “Present Tense.” I am always “here now” in my Spanish, never have I ever been anywhere, never am I going any place. Just this, right this minute. “I stay in Madrid.” Not “I stayed in Madrid last Thursday.” My friend tells me that all the words are the same, only the intonation changes to define past, present and future. That sure does cut down on spelling woes, and it does account for why those of us who do not speak Mandarin think they are using the same words over and over again. But he did warn me, don’t try to write it, the intonations do not translate to the written word and the written language is way too complicated. Unlike my English or my Spanish in which if you can figure out the root, you pretty much have the conjugations under control.

Then there’s the whole subject of my dog or any dog, who they say has a 100 word vocabulary. My husband and I sat down one night and tried to figure out how many words our dog, Gypsy, could recognize (we had nothing better to do). We came up with about 60. We realized that for our dog to gain her full linguistic potential she would have to learn a new word a week for almost a year. At first, we did set out to determine which 40 new words she would need, concentrating on only the most essential and important words. I think we gave up somewhere around the third glass of wine.

So, you see, how important I think language is? That is why I am completely put out by at&t’s definition of what a PEG channel should be.

Note: Okay…I always refer to AT&T as at&t. Got that? Stop doing that CAPITAL THING WHEN YOU WRITE ABOUT THOSE KNUCKLEHEADS…USE THEIR OWN MONIKER…LOWER CASE…at&t. They are the ones who did the focus groups and spent tons of money on advertising advice and basically what they came up with is “if you will use lower case, people won’t remember you being such ogres and they will like you and not mind that you have once again completely or almost (even though they will understand you are rapidly moving in that direction) dominated all of their communications choices, devices or pathways (especially since the Justice Department under the esteemed, yet run out of town on a rail, Alberto Gonzales, has deemed that a closed, pay as you go Internet, is A-Okay to a First Amendment Society that determined that EVERYBODY has an equal right to FREE SPEECH or access to information). Geesh.

God, can we get to the CHANNELS.

So here is how I heard it. at&t keeps going around the country explaining to cities, counties, municipalities how they are going to “deliver” PEG channels.

Here I was thinkin “A Horse is a Horse Of Course of Course.” You younger folk type just be patient, I’m gettin’ to it.

So here is a channel according to at&t (note, it’s not the same explanation they gave to ESPN or Home Shopping or Discovery):

Windows Media Codec at 1.3Mb/sec (1Mb - Video, .3Mb for Audio, Captioning, Overhead)

Now that’s a Whoo-Hoo! Channels are now Windows Media Codec…Tell Me More Big Mama!

Partial Screen Video - 320 x 240 Video that can be "maximized" to full screen.

You Got Me, You Got Me…Maximize…come on Baby, Maximize!!! To FULL SCREEN NONE THE LESS…Oh Mama!

Does not appear in standard U-Verse line up for channel surfing, but in separate "Media Player"
Does PEG have to be in a SEPARATE MEDIA PLAYER? Is that because PEG is SO DIRTY? With our talk shows, our cooking shows, our local music scenes, our League of Women Voters (you know how they are) and our AARP chapters? Yeah MA BELL, TELL ME MORE!

Does not support standard U-Verse features including Picture in Picture. THANK GOD!!! We would never want our technology to actually get to the point where people could testify before City Council using their modem cameras or even testify in person at City Council and us actually see the expression on our Council members faces or even see the land fill we were talking about as we talked about it. Too much live interaction, God forbid!!!

DVR Does not have separate channel location - all PEG Channels are lumped together in Channel "99.” Is that metaphorical? Somebody’s getting it up the “9” and we all know who.

Does not appear in U-Verse "TV Guide" detailed listing. Precious. Really Precious. So…let’s see…”Wife Swap,” which I believe is still illegal in the 50 states, and “1,000 pound man,” which is just what all of us are wanting to see (car wreck sick psychopaths that we are) and “Cheap Sterling Jewelry Sale That We Hope Will Run Up Your Credit Card Because We Made a Deal for a Kick Back From Visa But We Aren’t Violating RICO” will be listed. But Public, Educational and Government Access will not be listed, only the number 99 and I have already explained the metaphorical connotations of that! Stop asking Pervert!

Here’s the point. Whether at&t in CA or Bright (not so much) House in FL, the state laws that were passed required you to provide PEG channels, even though in most cases, you dregs of the earth were able to get out of PEG funding, scum that you are…you still have to do the channels, morons. And last I looked, and Harold Feld from Media Access Project looked, there was a STINKIN FEDERAL LAW THAT PRE-EMPTS YOUR STATE LAWS, that said the channels had to be on BASIC FRICKIN TIER!

No fancy dances, no intonations, no conjugations, no dog vocabulary.

See: Communications Act, Sec 623(b)(7)(A)(ii).

Thanks Harold…I was way too lazy or busy to look it up. I’ll call Manatee County in Florida (who was told by Bright House they would be bumped to the digital tier) tomorrow. And Brian, out in California, you and all my natives…tell that bitch (dare I say it?) to go pound sand.